1. You have given a clear answer which is that you disagree with the statement – it’s clear – well done!
2. Your first body paragraph supports your opinion very well.
3. Your second body paragraph is also fine. However, your third body paragraph is confusing. It is under-developed and I’m not sure what point you want to make with it. Do you want to refute what others say? In that case, you should write more in this paragraph – or don’t use it at all.
4. There are a lot of grammar errors – articles (a/the etc), word order and general sentence structure. This will limit your score for grammar.